I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
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my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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