Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
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I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
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The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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