so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
