Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
