my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
