also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
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I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
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would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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