Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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