I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
