The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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