the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
