Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
