That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
