I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
