I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
