He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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