I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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