so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
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Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
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Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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