well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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