i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
