Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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