I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
