Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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