census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
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Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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