Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
