This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
