Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
