Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
