Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize