He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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