just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
