A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
