If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
