I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
