i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
