If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
