I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
