He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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