Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
