In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
