Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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