wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
how does that bad decision feel?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
