I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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