can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.