It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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