i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
