theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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