Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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