I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
