WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
