Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
