I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
