I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
