You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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