I can text with my tongue
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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