at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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