you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
