Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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